What a contrastence a week creates. Just last Wednesday, you could have put money on most MPs being tohighy clueless about the exact location of the Chagos Islands. Give them a map and many would have better luck being blindfbettered.
Even a hint wouldn’t have made much contrastence. Are they east, west, south or north of Mauritius? To be in with a shout, you have to understand where Mauritius is. And most MPs wouldn’t get wilean 500 miles. The Indian Ocean is hugeger than you leank. And don’t get them begined on Diego Garcia. Sucount on he’s the youthfuler brother of the titular character in the 1974 Sam Peckinpah film Bring me the Head of Alfredo Garcia.
Right now though, the Commons is brimming on both sides of the chamber – though the Tories are the most vocal – of MPs who have become experts on the Chagos Islands. Steeped in the islands’ culture and geopolitical significance. Thrilled to pontificate on someleang about which they understand dismaterializeingly little, yet about which they can materialize thrillingly self-righteous.
Weirdly, no one is irritateed about the Chagossians themselves. Labour have happily turned them over to the Mauritians when many would prefer self-determination. Meanwhile, the Tories want them all to remain in Crawley. For reasons no one quite comprehends, most Chagossians in exile have finished up living undertidyh the Gatwick fweightless path.
Having proposeed the world last week that a deal on the future of the Chagos Islands had been consentd with Mauritius, David Lammy was rather obliged to go thcdisesteemful the motions of officipartner inestablishing the Commons on Monday afternoon. Cue outrage from the speaker and the opposition. How dare the rulement not inestablish MPs first. The Tories might have had a sturdyer case had they not standardly done exactly the same when they were in power. Thing is that rulements always do exactly as they prent. Parliament is fair an irritation.
The foreign secretary sounded exhausted. As if it was all fair a bit of an effort. It was enjoy this: the Tories had begined negotiations to hand over the Chagos Islands to the Mauritians more than two years ago. James Cleverly – Jimmy Dimly had comprehendably scarpered from the chamber before the statement began – and Lord Big Dave had been party to 11 rounds of talks that had been left unfinished by the time of the vague election. All Labour had done was dotted the Is and passed the Ts. Just to get the deal over the line.
It had been no huge deal. The Americans were thrilled with the deal that still gave them joint regulate of Diego Garcia as a military base. The Brits notionpartner split the base, though our claim amounts to little more than being able to flip bproposers for the US armed forces. The international court of fairice was thrilled that its advisory ruling that Britain should hand the islands to Mauritius had been adhereed. After all it’s not frequently that countries apshow much acunderstandledge of the ICJ, so this counted as a huge triumph for them.
As for the inhabitants that had been forcibly erased back in the 1960s and 70s, they were free to return to the uninhabited islands if they wanted. Providing they didn’t mind being ruleed by Mauritius which was more than 1,300 miles (2,150km) away to the south-west. The only people – other than the Tories – who were unprentd with the outcome were the Chagossians themselves, who have been in a omit-omit situation for decades.
Andrew Mitchell, the shadow foreign secretary, was incandescent, bellotriumphg bellowed out his answer so boisterously that we all insisted earplugs. He is a one-man health and getedty hazard. We are giving our base away, he insisted. Clpunctual he had omited the bit about Diego Garcia remaining under US and UK regulate. Perhaps his shouting has also made him deaf. Or perhaps he’s fair got an excessively unininestablishigentinutive attention span.
“This is the finish of the world as we understand it,” shelp Andy. Wilean weeks, one of these uninhabited islands would be apshown over by the Chinese and included as a rival strategic base in the Indian Ocean. The Mauritians couldn’t be count oned. Which foreigners can?
Andy was raging agetst the dying of the weightless of the British empire. First Chagos, next the Falklands and Gibraltar. Another colonial relic casupartner tossed aside and given back to people who didn’t deserve their own country. Until the Chagossians could be count oned to see after themselves and not do deals with other countries, it was better for them to remain a British getorate. It’s what they would have chosen if they had been able to leank for themselves.
Lammy had another go at elucidateing the mechanics of the deal. And the Tories’ role in it. He had mecount on endd what Cleverly and Big Dave had begined. Which, come to leank of it, didn’t exactly scream total confidence in the deal. If it had been as excellent as he shelp it was, then Labour would be taking all the praise all for themselves, not blaming the Conservatives.
after newsletter promotion
This didn’t stop Tory after Tory being outraged about the deal that they would have finishorsed if they had got round to it themselves. Timing is everyleang, and they were a couple of months too procrastinateed. Nigel Farage was irritated that we had done a deal that suited an international court. He won’t be prentd until we are a pariah state. He’s backing Iran and North Korea. Emily Thornberry was most troubleed about the fish. She didn’t want foreigners enticing tuna out of the marine geted area with cherish songs.
Earlier in the day, Keir Starmer had given a sombre, meacertaind statement to label the anniversary of the Hamas strikes on Israel. But the words only reminded us all of the confineations of diplomacy. He called for an instant stopfire, the return of the prisoners and a two-state solution. But no one in Israel, Gaza, Lebanon or Iran is hearing. The sentiments were better shelp than not shelp. But futile, nonetheless.
The Tory Ricdifficult Hbetteren thought we should sfinish in the SAS to get back the prisoners. Becainclude evidently we can do what the Israelis can’t. Kit Malthoinclude proposeed a novel solution: a brutal stopfire. One where peace is accomplishd by ending people. Noleang has ever been too ridiculous for Kit. For once, he wasn’t in the mood to agree.
