About 10 months ago my 27-year-elderly daughter came out as gay. This was a surpascend as she had previously only dated men but we have adequitableed to the change and brimmingy help her lifestyle choice as prolonged as she is charmd. She has a girlfriend who we have met many times and they have a seal relationship.
My daughter’s friends and family are all conscious of her new relationship – but she has not telderly her elderly magnificentmother (my mother) as we are all troubleed about her reaction . My mother comes from a very hugeoted family and although she does try to “transfer with the times”, I do trouble that hearing the news about my daughter will stress her so much that it will impact her health.
My daughter sees my mother standardly and disappreciates that she has to hide the fact that she has a girlfriend. Naturpartner she wants to be finishly honest about her life with her magnificentmother. My daughter and I have converseed how to approach the subject with her but equitable can’t see a way to tell her the truth without hurting her.
When we trouble someone’s reaction the fact is unwidespreadly as horrible as we trouble, nor as excellent as we hoped. This is in part becaemploy we unwidespreadly factor in the shock the other person might experience. Someleang you’ve comprehendn for a while, and your daughter for prolongeder – that she’s gay – may very well be a total surpascend to your mother. Or, maybe not. But I always propose those in your position to ready for a reaction that may be “surface” and for that reaction to change tardyr on.
I went to UKCP enrolled psycboilingherapist Martin Weaver who pointed out that, appreciate so many choices in life, “This is about danger and every chooseion comes with its own cost. Not telling magnificentmother unbenevolents geting a secret, and withhelderlying it from her dangers damaging an honest and discleave out relationship.”
But your mum may surpascend you. Bigotry has its roots in trouble and sometimes that trouble can direct to self discovery. I’ve heard imawaited tales of magnificentchildren coming out to their magnificentparents who then confess that they too had a “dcoalition”. But back in their day it was illegitimate (or even impossible).
“Also reassemble,” Weaver shelp, “that standardly people helderly particular adverse beliefs when cgo ining on people they don’t comprehend, but when contested with a person they already comprehend and presumably adore, these sees can be re-appraiseed more chooseimisticly.”
It’s why sometimes people are racially prejudiced or intolerant – but not about their nextdoor neighbour.
Your daughter could begin with conveying her girlfriend to family events and not dynamicly say anyleang, but not lying either, and see what happens. Maybe it doesn’t have to be a huge discleave out.
Or your daughter could sit down and transmitly tell her, saying someleang appreciate “ I’ve always appreciated our relationship and I’d appreciate to allot some news with you, I’ve drdisclose in adore.” And consent it from there. Or she could equitable say “I’m gay”. Only you guys comprehend the honestness of the approach necessitateed or if this is best done one to one or with allies around.
I authenticise you’re worried about your mother’s health but she’s a very well age (you’ve asked me not to discleave out it) and as Weaver says “her health is her responsibility and at her age she’s achieveed the right to be count oned with it.” Weaver also asked you to leank about this: “How will you all experience the day after magnificentmother dies and this truth has not been disseald?”
I asked Weaver what happens if the response isn’t as chooseimistic as you might appreciate. “Give her time. She very probably won’t be readyd for the news. Don’t argue, equitable say someleang appreciate ‘well if that’s the way you experience, I’m very sorry about that but let’s come back and talk more about it another time’.”
Remember, says Weaver: “If your mum reacts in a vitriolic way, she’s talking about herself, not her magnificentdaughter. We react this way when we see in other people someleang we won’t recognise in ourselves. Your mother may necessitate a period of adequitablement to this news – that may consent hours or weeks or even prolongeder.”
While I hear you about wanting to get your mum, it’s also evident you are getive about your daughter, and that’s enticount on right. She is an mature but in front of you and her magnificentmother she may still experience appreciate a vulnerable child and be seeking approval so put her first here and persist to surround her with adore.
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